mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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