Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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