matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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