Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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