A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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