Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
