I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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