don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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