i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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