Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
