If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
we should paint friendship bongs
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
