Just mADE A PArabola og urine
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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