i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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