my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
