I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
We just shotgunned beers for America
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
