Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
