Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
