How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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