tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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