Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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