You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
