So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
