Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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