Your dad touched me again.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
