I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
