My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
