We're facebook friends in real life
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
