It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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