i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
there was a trapeze. enough said
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
