I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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