apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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