found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
