pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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