my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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