I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I did not marry a roomba.
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