i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
