Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
