I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
