um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
