We're like a lot better than the average bears
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
