we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
