Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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