2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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