bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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