I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
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