If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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