You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
