its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Life is so much better after having sex.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
