I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I could have mohawked her pubes.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
