I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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