u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
